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An Emotional Recipe.

Every feeling you experience is made by you according to your own 'traditional' recipe; no-one puts them there or makes them happen - they're yours. If you're experiencing too much of one or too little of another, perhaps it's time to take a look at your 'emotional' cook-book..?!

[1165 words, estimated reading time 5-9 mins]

The room is almost as dark as the starless night outside, save for a flickering and feeble light from the stub of a small candle on the shelf. She hears the every-loudening creaking of floorboards outside the door as the sound of heavy footsteps approaches menacingly, step by step and, in response, she crouches further behind the musty old chair in the corner, her eyes widening as the footsteps cease and the rusty hinges of the door creak open...

It's been an odd month so far and, as usual, I've been inspired by a couple of interactions with clients to talk about emotions and how we make them. Yes, make them.

Before we talk about what went you experienced as you read that first paragraph, it'd be a good moment to make sure we all understand exactly what emotions aren't and what they are.

First of all we need to separate sensations from emotions and feelings.

Sensations are the stuff that comes in to our awareness through our five basic senses - what we touch, see, hear, smell and taste. We can sense the heat, hear the crackle of flames and see them, smell (and perhaps even taste) the smoke.

Feelings and emotions, although psychologists define them as slightly different, are the results of what we do with those sensations and these can depend on other things too, such as the context we're in and our past experiences.

With the example I've just given you, if the flames are licking across your floor and up the wall you'd respond by feeling fear or panic. If however, they're dancing across the top of some pine logs crackling in the fireplace on a cold winter's day, you'd be responding differently, perhaps by feeling content and relaxed.

However, thanks to the way our bodies and minds are wired and interconnected, feelings are also produced in response to imagined sensations too and those feelings can be just as intense.

Let's go back to the first paragraph in this article. As you read through it, what did you do with the information that was there? Maybe you made pictures in your mind, heard the footsteps and even felt some fear, worry or excitement? But every picture or movie that you made, every sound you imagined hearing, every feeling that you felt was in response to your own imagination - all I gave you were some words!

As humans there are a huge range of emotions we can feel. Some come as a result of what's happening in a single moment, emotions like happiness, contentment and love, and more negative ones like anger. And then there are emotions which, in order to make, we need to shift our attention either to the past or the future.

Emotions that are to do with the past include regret, guilt, shame or, more positively, pride and satisfaction. Future-oriented feelings include fear and anxiety and panic on the negative side, and anticipation and excitement as more positive ones.

Many though require experiences from the present and the past, and imaginings about the future in various combinations.

For example, let's take Regret. Not a nice feeling really and I do wonder why sometimes we bother to make it at all. (Those of you who think more deeply will be able to work out that there are occasionally sound sociological reasons for emotions like regret or guilt.)

The basic recipe for making a good helping of Regret goes like this:

1. Remember an experience in the past that didn't go quite how you'd have liked.
2. Think about what you could have said or done which you imagine would have worked better.
3. Compare these two - the real event and your 'better' version - for long enough and, guess what, you'll have yourself a good dose of Regret.

The recipe for Guilt is pretty similar, though the past event needs to be one in which your words or actions (or lack of them) at that time resulted in someone else being emotionally or physically hurt.

Now, what have you noticed about this recipe? I'll give you a hint - look at the proportion of Reality to Imagination we need to use to make it work...

Let's try one more - Anxiety.

Anxiety needs the following ingredients:

1. Think of a future situation that we don't have a definite plan of action for or don't know enough details about to make a plan for - yet! (or one similar to a past one that we regret...)
2. Ignore all the best possible outcomes of that situation and, instead, focus on an outcome that will cause the biggest problem or the worst 'now-related' feelings.
3. Keep replaying that 'worst possible case' in your mind, especially if you can imagine all the things that other people might be thinking about you and - hey presto - Anxiety!

What you'll be either slowly realising or rapidly concluding is that most emotions, particularly negative ones, require only the smallest smidgen of Reality compared to a huge dollop of Imagination for the recipe to work. Which essentially implies that, as Mr Tweedy* said,

It's all in your head.

Just in case you're wondering, I'm NOT trying to get you to ignore your emotions as somehow 'made up' and therefore irrelevant - emotions, most of the time, serve a very useful purpose.

You see, the main purpose of emotions is not as an end in themselves but to get us to PAY ATTENTION to something important.

For example, Anxeity is a way for our unconscious mind to tap us on the shoulder and say for example, "Hmmm... Although we've agreed to give that presentation, we're not sure how everyone watching is going to respond and, the last time we did one someone asked a bit of an awkward question, remember. If things go badly we'll look a a bit daft..."

The biggest mistake we can make with negative emotions though is to try to squash them or ignore them - they'll just get louder and louder until we pay attention.

And the second biggest mistake is we can make is to sit in our emotions and let them wash over us, a mistake which inevitably leads to us becoming paralysed into non-action.

What we're supposed to do is respond to the choice that our emotions are trying to make us aware of.

Anxiety gives us a choice - we can decide not to enter that situation (and probably create new less desired situations for us to get anxious about), or we can decide to take action and plan as best as possible or develop the skills and beliefs that will make sure we move towards a successful outcome. And in taking that positive action, guess what? The Anxiety will lessen until, if there's anything left, it's more of a gentle reminder to keep our attention focused where it should be to get what we want.

So what can we do?

Find a new recipe!

Which we'll do next time...

Have fun!

* See the movie 'Chicken Run'

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