{"id":767,"date":"2009-08-06T21:23:51","date_gmt":"2009-08-06T20:23:51","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.iceandlemon.com\/v6\/?p=767"},"modified":"2009-08-06T21:23:51","modified_gmt":"2009-08-06T20:23:51","slug":"away-from-towards","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/www.iceandlemon.com\/v7\/away-from-towards\/","title":{"rendered":"Away-From & Towards"},"content":{"rendered":"
\n

“Keep your mind on the things you want and off the things you don’t want.”<\/p>\n

[Hannah Whitall Smith, 19th\/20th century Quaker author and activist in the Women’s Suffrage movement]<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n

[I wrote about this general concept a good few years back now and touch on it every so often, but after the last two ‘slices’ on Desire here<\/a> and here<\/a>, it fits really nicely and will serve as a timely reminder. <\/em><\/p>\n

What follows is, I realise, an over-simplification, but I\u2019ll go ahead with it anyway because it\u2019s often only through considering things simply that we uncover the most useful truths within\u2026]<\/em><\/p>\n

(1278 words – approx 6-8 mins to read)<\/span><\/p>\n

What pops into your mind as you roll those two phrases around in your head:<\/strong><\/p>\n

\u201cAway-From\u201d..?<\/strong><\/h5>\n
\u201cTowards\u201d..?
\n<\/strong><\/h5>\n

Some of you may have responded by imagining an episode of the Teletubbies, with Dipsy repeating each one in his sing-song tones whilst Po runs back and forth. Others, perhaps a little older, may remember clips from Sesame Street where expressions like this were played out on the TV screen with some stop-motion trickery and a bunch of enthusiastic kids. Whatever you\u2019re imagining, whether it\u2019s similar or utterly different, just let it run on in your head for a moment or two before we move on\u2026<\/p>\n

These two expressions actually form one of the central constructs that Psychometric Profilers and NLP people refer to as \u2018Motivation Direction\u2019. It\u2019s an important concept that deals with how our motivation is raised and maintained in varying contexts, and in fact it\u2019s vital when it comes to understanding why certain elements of our lives might be going well whilst other areas may range from \u2018stable\u2019 to \u2018one step away from disaster\u2019.<\/p>\n

First let me give you an example: your health.<\/p>\n

If you behave in a \u2018TOWARDS\u2019 manner in the context of health, you have a goal in mind, often fairly clear, of what you want to be like and make choices and take action that move you TOWARDS that goal. It might be to do with weighing a particular amount, being able to run a certain distance, get into a particular size clothes or even a particular item (e.g. a wedding dress), or something similar.<\/p>\n

This means that when it comes to choosing what to eat, whether to exercise or not etc., you have your goal in mind and make dietary choices that support that goal. Yes, you may have the occasional slip-up as we all do, but the movement is generally TOWARDS your healthy goal, and behind that motivation is a positive emotion that draws you onwards and helps fuel each choice.<\/p>\n

\u201cHang on a moment!\u201d I hear a few voices cry, \u201cDon\u2019t we all do that anyway..?\u201d<\/p>\n

No, unfortunately not, and to give you a little more understanding, let\u2019s consider the opposite.<\/p>\n

If you behave in an \u2018AWAY-FROM\u2019 manner in the same context of health, instead of what you want, you have in mind what you want to AVOID, i.e. poor health. Instead of that representation of what you DO want to be like, you have a clear idea of what you DON\u2019T want to be like instead. You may be wanting to avoid a condition or disease that someone close to you as succumbed to because of their ill-health, or a weight you don\u2019t want to be, perhaps noticing that your clothes are getting a little snug, or just simply that you\u2019ve decided that \u201cI don\u2019t want to be fat anymore.\u201d<\/p>\n

Each choice you make therefore is no longer motivated by something positive; instead it\u2019s usually fear, perhaps tinged with guilt and frustration every time you slip up.<\/p>\n

\u201cSurely though,\u201d you may say, \u201cany motivation is good as long as you can maintain it..?\u201d<\/p>\n

And I\u2019d agree wholeheartedly with you because that\u2019s what creates the fundamental difference between AWAY-FROM and TOWARDS motivation. TOWARDS motivation has a destination in mind and motivation is generally maintained until that destination is reached. On the other hand, however, AWAY-FROM motivation only exists as long as the problem exists \u2013 as soon as you\u2019ve moved just far enough to think you\u2019ve got away from the thing you fear, motivation dies.<\/p>\n

With the health example we\u2019ve already touched on, someone AWAY-FROM motivated will maintain their new behaviours only until their clothes begin to feel comfortable again, or they feel a little better, and then the old behaviours creep back in and the cycle will repeat.<\/p>\n

Here\u2019s another quite serious example \u2013 relationships. If you\u2019re TOWARDS motivated in the relationship stakes, you have in mind the kind of relationship you\u2019re after (maybe even a particular person, in which case may I refer you to the last two \u2018slices\u2019 on Desire..?) and will work towards that, not settling for second-best and, if you\u2019re ethical about it, not seeking to force someone you think you\u2019d like to be with to become what you want either \u2013 instead you stop, take stock and move on.<\/p>\n

If, however, you\u2019re unfortunately AWAY-FROM motivated in the realm of relationships, you\u2019re either motivated by avoiding being alone, in which case you\u2019ll tend to settle for anyone that seems on the surface to be half-decent, or you\u2019re motivated by avoiding a bad relationship and again will settle for anyone that doesn\u2019t qualify as \u2018too bad\u2019. And in the usual cycle of relationships, the AWAY-FROM strategy often results in exactly the thing you don\u2019t want to happen actually happening simply because you\u2019ve settled for something just outside ‘poor’.<\/p>\n

As you perhaps think about other contexts too \u2013 e.g. your finances, your career, how tidy your house is \u2013 you\u2019ll begin to realise that there\u2019s pretty much no way that TOWARDS and AWAY-FROM ideas can produce similar results; TOWARDS always has you pursuing your goal, whilst AWAY-FROM keeps you just one step ahead of failure.<\/p>\n

There\u2019s tons more I could say about this concept but the essence is that TOWARDS motivation produces better, longer-lasting, more fulfilling and satisfying results, whilst AWAY-FROM behaviour is only capable of producing short-term relief from an underlying, nagging anxiety about whether you\u2019ve done enough for now or not.<\/strong><\/p>\n

And so to a bit of a challenge:<\/p>\n

\n

Pick the area of your life that you\u2019re least satisfied with (if you\u2019ve not already done it, you could take our active living survey<\/a>\u2026)<\/strong><\/p>\n

As you think about that area of life, what is it that you feel?<\/strong><\/p>\n

For example, it may be that money management is an issue, and you feel anxious as you think about it.<\/em><\/p>\n

Ask yourself, \u201cWhat is it that I want in that area of my life?\u201d<\/strong><\/p>\n

Notice how you reply, and whether your answer is about what you DO want, or is about what you DON\u2019T want.<\/strong><\/p>\n

For example, you may say to yourself, \u201cI want a financially secure future.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

Now ask, \u201cWhy is that important to you..?\u201d<\/strong><\/p>\n

Notice how you reply, and whether your answer is again about what you DO want, or is about what you DON\u2019T want.<\/strong><\/p>\n

For example, you may say, \u201cBecause my parents had to struggle and I don\u2019t want that to happen to me and my family.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

If both your answers have been positive up to now, ask again, \u201cWhat is THAT important to you..?\u201d and again note whether your answer is a DO want (a TOWARDS) or a DON\u2019T want (an AWAY-FROM).<\/strong><\/p>\n

If all three of your answers are TOWARDS, there\u2019s usually only one of two reasons why; either<\/strong><\/p>\n

    \n
  1. You already have a goal and a plan in place for that area of your life and are currently working towards it but aren\u2019t there yet.<\/strong><\/li>\n
  2. You\u2019re not being honest with yourself and are forcing yourself to try to be positive in order to avoid feeling anxious, guilty or afraid.<\/strong><\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

    (If you did get three TOWARDS\u2019s in your answers and you\u2019re still convinced it\u2019s not because of one of the above two reasons, I\u2019d love to hear from you..!)<\/p>\n

    Obviously, if you got one or more AWAY-FROMs in your answers, that\u2019s probably why that area of your life isn\u2019t great and it\u2019s time to get a TOWARDS mindset sorted out.<\/strong><\/p><\/blockquote>\n<\/blockquote>\n

    So how do we go from AWAY-FROM to TOWARDS..?<\/p>\n

    That\u2019s what we\u2019ll talk about next time. Unless of course you\u2019re TOWARDS motivated about knowing, in which case you\u2019ll get in touch<\/a> before then or leave a comment below. Oh, and if you feel you\u2019re missing out on something (AWAY-FROM), you can email me<\/a> or comment too\u2026<\/p>\n

    Until then,<\/p>\n

    \"\"<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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